A beginners guide to Tantra part 1: Sexual Tantra

Photo © Alexey Wind

We all have to begin somewhere.

“Rohan, I am new to Tantra. Where should I begin?” is a question I have encountered quite a lot over the years. And if you find yourself in the curious position of wishing to experience Tantra for healing, for spiritual growth, or just to learn something new and amazing then you should begin by asking yourself the following question (and please be brutally honest with yourself):

Am I interested in Tantra for the spiritual growth, or for the sex?

Hint: There is no wrong answer.

Traditional Tantra and sexual Tantra are two very different paths that can lead to very different experiences. And if you choose sex, then there is no shame in that at all. However, it is vital to understand that the practice of sexual Tantra without the aspects of spirituality is simply just not Tantra. And yes it is possible to interweave both traditional and sexual paths into your spiritual practice, should you desire to do so.

So, because most people today are drawn to Tantra by the sex, then we will start with sex (PS: I kinda did). I cover the spiritual growth aspects of traditional Tantra in part 2 of this series.

Social media is abuzz with images of Tantric sex, also called NeoTantra or New-Age Tantra, which is part of the numerous practices housed under the banner of Sacred Sexuality.

Images, like those incredibly bendy sun-tanned men and women in the throes of sexual ecstasy - often on an idyllic beach or in a hot and steamy jungle or in a zen-like yoga studio. They look sexy, fearless, glowingly happy, and spiritually aware too. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be like this?

This is great marketing at play. And it is so easy to fall for it. So fall, if you must. For I am not here to convince you to steer you away from NeoTantra, because I believe that it has a very important place for nurturing the growth of intimacy and compassion in modern 21st century society.

So here are four points to ponder should the thought of consulting a NeoTantra teacher or attending a NeoTantra workshop be desirable to you:

1) Do your homework

The internet is a great place to start, but be warned as it is a proverbial rabbit hole that could lead you to the wonderful world of fulfillment of desires on demand. Ask Google and you’ll find literally thousands of pages mentioning Tantra. And there will be no shortage of teachers, massage therapists, ashrams, yogic meditation schools, retreats and workshops attempting to lure you from your hard-earned time and money too.

If someone or some organisation says they can heal you totally with Tantra, or teach you sexual fulfilment beyond your wildest dreams, or even provide the promise of enlightenment - then my advice would be to stay clear of those people and places. They’re probably after your money, and quite possibly in need of healing more than you do.

Trust your intuition and your gut. If something doesn’t feel right about a particular teacher, Guru or course, then trust that. Or you could end up doing more damage to your mind, body and spirit than you began with.

A place I would recommend you ask about teachers, or teachings, is a Facebook group I founded in 2011 called Let’s Talk Tantra to help bring some guidance and clarity to much misunderstood philosophies, traditions and methods surrounding Tantra. And with the world awash with Gurus of every kind, the group is also a place to help discern the saints from the charlatans.

Today, Let’s Talk Tantra has almost 18,000 members in every corner of the globe, including some of the world’s foremost Tantra teachers, therapists, scholars, sexologists, academics, practitioners, students and the merely curious too. With hundreds of thousands of posts and discussions relating to all things Tantra, you might just find what, or who, you’re looking for there.

Another obvious place to start is with a good book.

Way back in 1964 Omar Garrison published a book called Tantra: The Yoga of Sex, which was when most Westerners at the time were first exposed to the word “Tantra”. These days Garrison’s book is considered to be a rather a light representation on Tantra, but it did introduce the concept of sex as a religious or spiritual rite to a generation of people entranced by the great sexual liberation movement that characterised the global hippie culture of the late 1960's and early 1970's.

However, today the choices of books to read on authentic NeoTantra range from the outright dangerous to the downright ludicrous. However there are a few diamonds to found in the rough.

A book I highly recommend to anyone venturing into NeoTantra for the first time is Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by the acclaimed American sex educator Barbara Carrellas.

Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas.

And the book that got me started on my journey into Tantra is Tantra: The Supreme Understanding by Osho. It’s a wonderful introduction to the concepts of Tantra, to which Osho added his unique spin in a way that he only could.

If it wasn’t for Osho, also known as Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, perhaps Tantra wouldn’t enjoy the mystique and popularity it enjoys today. In the late 1960’s Osho set up an Ashram in Pune, India, and encouraged his followers to break from the shackles of sexual repression ingrained in them by religions, puritans and modern shame-centred society and find true liberation through Tantra.

Tantra: The Supreme Understanding by Osho.

Arguably one of the most popular Gurus of the 20th century, Osho was never far from scandal - in fact he thrived on it. He eventually left India for America in fear of violent uprising against him and created his now infamous Ashram in Oregon, which was well documented in the great Netflix series Wild Wild Country.

Margot Anand, one of Osho’s more famous disciples, penned a book in the late 1980’s called The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers that would inspire many NeoTantric teachers, massage therapists and practitioners who’ve made NeoTantra a way of life, and business, for themselves.

A portrait of Osho. Photo courtesy of sanyas.wiki

Nonetheless, love him or hate him (PS: I love him), Osho is an endless source of inspiration should you wish to venture into NeoTantra. You can also visit his Ashram in Pune now called the Multiversity, but for foreigners it is not as cheap as staying at other Ashrams in India and could easily set you back many thousands of dollars to stay there. Which brings me to my next point:

2) NeoTantra is expensive

NeoTantra is often based on the lure of secrecy and scarcity. The promise of learning and attaining supernatural sexual skills and powers that will turn you into a lovemaking God, or the hope that it could lead to sexual healing from past traumas, and a host of other benefits. And, on the flip-side, NeoTantra cannot guarantee that you will learn how to be a lovemaking God, or heal from your past traumas either.

But you’ve made up your mind, unlocked your hard-earned savings or cashed-out some cryptocurrency and want to learn the Tantric arts.

A couple in Tantric union. Photo © Rohan Reddy / Anāhata Tantra.

You would have by now probably realised that, while not impossible, it is rather difficult to learn these skills by simply reading a few books or watching YouTube videos. The human factor of being present with an actual teacher or facilitators is often way more effective than self-study. But it is not quite as simple as just dropping in at your local Yoga class.

This is where the expensive bit comes in.

Most NeoTantra teachers today have had to pay exorbitant sums of their own money over long periods of time to learn how to be qualified NeoTantra practitioners, often in exotic far-off locations, and often having to attend many workshops, events and self-practice alone, or with a partner, other individuals or groups of others, to hone-in their skills.

A NeoTantra workshop in action. Photo © Stockholm Tantra Festival.

Today there are hundreds of people claiming to be NeoTantra teachers all over the world, and you’ll find a teacher to suit probably every budget, but just a handful have truly found ways to call themselves authentic masters of this sensual art. It sounds like a lot of sexy fun, but it is genuinely a hard art to master. But with patience and practice, you too could be a master too.

So because great NeoTantra teachers are specialists who have the ability to bridge the worlds of psychotherapy, movement therapy, sexology, yoga, bodywork and spirituality - they can often charge exorbitant sums of money for their time. It’s not uncommon to be charged anything between $100 to $500 for an hour’s session with a NeoTantra teacher or bodywork therapist. And if you want to rub shoulders with a NeoTantra teacher to the rich and famous, then that could set you back thousands of dollars for an hour. And in Tantra, one hour of time with a teacher, or in therapy or training, is merely a drop in the ocean.

Then there are the workshops, retreats and events, almost all designed to be exclusive, ecstatic and enlightening. Yes, you guessed it - they ‘ain’t cheap.

However, if you can afford the time and money, then workshops, retreats and events can be really healing and spiritually expansive. It may also help you get closer to understanding your unique true nature.

An online NeoTantra session via Zoom. From the Netflix Docuseries - (Un)well.

These days, especially after the lockdown-induced Coronavirus pandemic, some savvy NeoTantra teachers have moved their operations online, and found an even more lucrative way to make money by making themselves available on platforms like Zoom - reaching potentially hundreds of people at the same time.

If you’d rather skip all the potential self-development and go straight for the happy-ending, then there are plenty of massage studios and masseurs who offer so-called ‘Tantric’ massages from a more affordable $30 - $50. But that is merely sensual and erotic massage disguising itself as Tantra. It’s light years away from anything remotely resembling Tantra.

3) NeoTantra has spawned many new-age cults

This deserves a blog post of its own. But as with all spiritual faiths or practices promising to show you a better, more spiritual, more confident, healthier or even sexier, version of yourself, it’s extremely easy to get caught up in the fanfare and wonder of it all.

I’ve witnessed so many NeoTantra teachers, who over time have developed such a cult-like following that many of these teachers often forgot why they got into Tantra in the very first place. NeoTantra, spiritually fulfilling and healing as it seems to be, ironically can be a breeding ground for those with an inclination towards narcissistic personality disorder. And they grow to be masters at hiding their often sinister characters behind the veils of spirituality.

In recent years, especially in the wake of #MeToo scandals, many NeoTantra schools and gurus have come under the spotlight for rampant sexual abuse. One such school that made headlines worldwide is the Agama Tantra centre in Thailand.

A fascinating 4-part Netflix documentary series called (Un)Well delves into the lucrative world of healing and wellness. Episode 2 tries to give you a balanced glimpse into the world of Tantric sex. During this episode some former students of Agama share their stories of abuse at the hands of their cult-like leader and is an illuminating insight into how things can go horribly wrong in NeoTantra.

The thing is, there are actually teachers out there who are truly authentic - there to serve you and not themselves. But they’ve sadly become harder to find, especially in the world of NeoTantra and sexual healing. So, if you find yourself with a particular teacher or school, always check in with yourself, your intuition. And if something just doesn’t feel right in your soul, even if the teacher says that the only way to surpass that that you came for requires total surrender to him or her or them, then leave as fast as you can. This blind trust is a red flag, as surrender can be a beautiful thing, but that surrender should come at the willingness of your own heart and not prompted by a person or people in power.

So as outlined in point #1, do your homework. Read up thoroughly about schools and their teachers or Gurus. If possible, contact ex-students and ask them about their experiences too.

4) Know your boundaries

NeoTantra is a mostly a world where sexual and emotional boundaries are blurred. For many beginners going into NeoTantra this is exactly what they desire - to be nudged into spaces and places that they didn’t know were sexually and emotionally possible to go to.

This is what I was seeking when I started in NeoTantra, to go to those places of ecstasy that I have never been to before. But when sexual experience is housed under the banner of spirituality, people tend to trust the process more. You convince yourself that this is good for your healing and spiritual growth, which it certainly can be. But there are two sides to every coin, and on the flip-side lies something darker.

Photo © Kristina Flour via Unsplash

Three important lessons I learned after becoming a Tantra teacher and practitioner are:

1. Enjoy, but enjoy with awareness. Tantra has been called the path of indulgence, and if you stay long enough on the path you will get to indulge in a great many things you had no idea were possible. It’s so easy to allow yourself to get enraptured by the experiences, that you can become addicted to it. Like feeling the effects of ecstasy without even popping a bunch of ecstasy pills. Tantra teaches us that the power is not in the experience itself, but in the awareness that that experience brings. If you bring attention to what is happening to your heart, body and mind during these experiences, and truly bring awareness to the sensation and feeling that it brings, then this is how you do Tantra. True spirituality is in the total awareness of the present moment.

2. Know when to say no. This goes both ways for teachers and students alike. As discussed in point #3, abuse has plagued the spiritual world, and Tantra is no exception. Your body is your temple, and not a harem for others to do as they please with. You need to constantly remind yourself of this, because it is so easy to forget. Peer pressure is also a reality, and other people on the path like teachers, therapists and fellow aspirants or students may push you to places way beyond your comfort zone. If you ever find yourself in such a position always know that there is no shame in saying no. If you find that an experience feels good in your body, but is messing with your heart, then stop. If you know and abide by your boundaries, then a Tantric practice free of trauma is possible.

3. And lastly, always, always affirm to yourself that you are fully deserving of the very best teacher or teachings for you.

With love, Rohan

ॐ

May our bodies and minds be healthy.

May our thoughts be filled with love.

May our practice be free of obstacles.

May we carry its benefits into the world.

ॐ